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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25480528">Dancing On My Own</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntoldGalaxies/pseuds/UntoldGalaxies'>UntoldGalaxies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Playlist Project [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Life with Derek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Inspired by Music, Pining, Self-Destruction, Smoking, Step-siblings, Unresolved Sexual Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:47:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,525</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25480528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntoldGalaxies/pseuds/UntoldGalaxies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was like a scene out of a fairy tale. Flowing gowns and romantic music swept the room, and they danced.</p><p>And Casey watched.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Casey McDonald/Derek Venturi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Playlist Project [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>UntoldGalaxies Playlist Project</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dancing On My Own</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <b>Nominated for the 2020 Dasey Discord Awards:</b>
</p><p>❊ Best Angst Fic</p><p>This story is part of a series of fics that are based on songs that remind me of Dasey.</p><p>This fic is based on the song Dancing On My Own, in the style of Callum Scott, originally performed by Robyn. </p><p>  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q31tGyBJhRY">Dancing On My Own music video</a></p><p>  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSinMOs5eGw">Live peformance on Britain's Got Talent</a></p><p>A big shout out to my writing partner RollyPratt! Thank you for always being there to help me brainstorm and for helping edit my work. This story would not be the same without you! Everyone please check out RollyPratt's work as well as the Dasey stories we have co-written together. It's worth it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Many tears were shed when George and Nora renewed their wedding vows for their 10-year anniversary. Somehow Casey managed to hold hers in. Not because she was ashamed to let them out, or because she was scared of getting teased by the one person who would dare antagonise her. But because she knew that the minute the tears hit her cheeks she would become painfully aware of what was missing - no snide joke or gentle quip - and then she wouldn’t be able to <em>stop </em>crying.</p><p> </p><p>When George and Nora made their way to the center of the round dance floor, surrounded by their loved ones, Casey could admit to one stray tear, which she caught with her knuckle. She frantically checked to make sure <em>he</em> didn’t see it, terrified to find his indifferent eyes passing over her lazily, barely registering her, before turning away completely. But thankfully… or crushingly… he wasn’t looking at her.</p><p> </p><p>This was basically their parent’s wedding, of course he wasn’t looking at <em>her</em>. She was so stupid for hoping he would.</p><p> </p><p>Derek <em>never</em> looked at her anymore. There was a time, it felt like a lifetime ago, when she could just look up from whatever she was doing and find his eyes on hers, without fail. They would linger, and she could swear the air got heavier.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes she would buckle under the pressure, and look away shyly, or play it off and go back to what she was doing before, like she wasn't just completely staring at him. And sometimes, she would double down and hold his gaze unwaveringly.</p><p> </p><p>That always seemed to intrigue or amuse him, a faint hint of <em>something</em> flashing in his eyes or a microscopic tilt at the corner of his mouth as they both stared with unblinking intensity - then he would look away, unphased as usual. One time he gave her a full on lopsided grin, like he was celebrating his victory, for successfully stealing her attention, and it almost winded her.</p><p> </p><p>One of the last instances she could remember of them sharing a moment like that, he actually called it out: "Is this a staring contest?" He mocked, with his voice like butter and his smoldering eyes. And it kind of <em>was</em> a contest, wasn't it? If you could call a game of chicken a contest. The question floored her, and she stuttered. She wasn't expecting their… <em>thing</em> to be acknowledged by him… <em>ever</em>, and he casually brought it out into the open, like it was mundane and unremarkable. It proved, for the millionth time, that as affected as she was by him, he was equally unaffected by her.</p><p> </p><p>In a classically terrible excuse, she had shouted back at him, "What?! No! I was… I was just… zoned out for a minute. I didn't even <em>see </em>you there!"</p><p> </p><p>He chuckled at that - he knew it was bullshit. "Such a Space Case." He shook his head and sauntered away because he had better things to do than focus his attention on her.</p><p> </p><p>That was three years ago, around the time she graduated from University, and around the time he met…</p><p> </p><p>He had barely looked at her since. Not really. Not in any way that mattered beyond registering her in his visual field.</p><p> </p><p>They never argued or bantered or anything. God, how she took that for granted. In those moments, something clicked between them, the rest of the world drifting away as they shared a connection; little snippets of time when his attention was fully dedicated to <em>her</em>, and she dizzyingly felt like he could see <em>right through her</em>, and most astoundingly, she caught glimpses of what was underneath <em>his</em> surface too.</p><p> </p><p>But she lost him.</p><p> </p><p>The spark was extinguished. He just… stopped looking at her like that. She never imagined he could be so aggressively neutral towards her. It was maddening. It was <em>infuriating</em>!</p><p> </p><p>On the rare occasion he spoke to her, to discuss some sort of family issue or something, he was polite and civil, guarded at a distance, with the personality of a wet blanket.</p><p> </p><p>The worst was in a group setting. She would say something to him and he would either ignore it if he could do so politely, or he would respond with the bare minimum. Then someone else would say something to him and he would come back to life, in all his <em>Derek-ness</em> and smile and laugh and joke along in conversation.</p><p> </p><p>It hurt so much sometimes she thought she might die, but she plastered on a light smile because nobody could know how much it destroyed her.</p><p> </p><p>It was like she didn't exist to him anymore.</p><p> </p><p>That <em>something</em> between them used to be alive and tangible. She wasn't crazy. It was there! But it was dead now. Flatline. She could poke at it with a stick but… nothing. Just empty and superficial. Empty and numb and alone. Completely lacking any depth, passion, or tension.</p><p> </p><p>It was the exact opposite of what she saw between her mom and George.</p><p> </p><p>George swung Nora around in a slow twirl and they came back together, staring deep into each others eyes. Her fingers played softly with the hair at the back of his head, combing affectionately through the patch of white that was slowly spreading behind his ears. Recovering every now and then from his clumsy footwork, George thoughtfully flowed through what they had practiced, while Nora beamed up at him proudly.</p><p> </p><p>Casey sniffled, overcome with emotion at the way they looked at one another. No one would ever look at <em>her</em> like that, and the one person she <em>wanted</em> to look at her like that, wouldn't even spare her a glance.</p><p> </p><p>Other couples respectfully filled the dance floor to save George from the spotlight. Casey saw Derek out of the corner of her eye as he stood up from his table. If he wouldn't look at her, then she wouldn't look at him - keeping tabs on him from her periphery. He extended his hand melodramatically, like a gentleman, charmingly self aware of his own cheesy gesture, the kind he couldn't stand, but willing to debase himself shamelessly for the right person.</p><p> </p><p>Slender fingers slipped into his hand and Lexi rose from her seat with grace, following Derek onto the dance floor.</p><p> </p><p>Lexi.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Perfect Lexi.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>That's what Casey's brain thought every time she looked at her. And if it sounded resentful, or hateful at all… it really wasn't.</p><p> </p><p>Truly, that was the most frustrating part about it - how <em>un-hateable</em> Lexi was. She probably had her flaws, like anyone else - maybe she could be a little pretentious at times, and she could stand to be a bit more humble. But she couldn't be <em>too </em>humble anyway since she had to compete with <em>Derek's</em> ego.</p><p> </p><p>In her limited interactions with Lexi, Casey saw her as kind, and confident, with a radiant smile that could hypnotize a room.</p><p> </p><p>Those small glimpses of the woman who so clearly held Derek Venturi's heart were enough to make Casey feel completely inadequate. Of course, Derek would never settle for <em>her. </em>Not when he could have <em>Perfect Lexi</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Even if they weren't step-siblings, he would never want<em> her.</em></p><p> </p><p>Usually, Casey wasn't in the business of comparing herself to other women, but Lexi was the exception. She was up there living <em>her </em>fantasy.</p><p> </p><p>That's all it was, after all. A fantasy.</p><p> </p><p>The beautiful gown. The charming prince. Romantic lighting overhead. Their own little corner of the dance floor. Derek looked so handsome in a suit, it wasn't fair.</p><p> </p><p>Stomach clenching, Casey shut her eyes tightly.</p><p> </p><p><em>Don't torture yourself</em>, she thought.</p><p> </p><p>But she couldn't help it. She had to see it for herself.</p><p> </p><p>A sob caught in her throat and she coughed on it. Her eyes flinched away from the pain before slowly crawling back again to their devastation.</p><p> </p><p>What killed her was the way Derek was <em>looking </em>at her, <em>Lexi</em>, like the rest of the world ceased to exist. The only thing keeping Casey convinced that she still existed, herself, was the pain in her heart.</p><p> </p><p>Derek smiled down at Lexi, eyes glued to her and only her, saturated in affection. Maybe it was her mind playing tricks on her, but it looked even more loving and meaningful than the honored couple of the evening.</p><p> </p><p><em>I'm right over here</em>, she pleaded internally.</p><p> </p><p>With a shaky sigh, she let some stray tears escape. He wouldn't see them anyway, because he didn't see her. Not like how he saw Lexi, his gaze full of knowing and adoration. Casey masochistically imagined herself on the receiving end of that look, starry eyed, melting under his attention.</p><p> </p><p>Then, the knife twisted in her gut and she thought she might throw up. He kissed her, sweetly, and her head came down to relax on his chest as they swayed intimately to the music.</p><p> </p><p>"Casey?" She heard a concerned voice beside her.</p><p> </p><p>Shamefully wiping away her tears, Casey composed herself. "Lizzie." She sniffled, trying to put on a chipper facade, "Hey!"</p><p> </p><p>"Are you okay?" Her little sister asked, sitting down at the table.</p><p> </p><p>"Of course!" Casey reassured.</p><p> </p><p>"You're crying." Lizzie argued sympathetically.</p><p> </p><p>Brushing it off, Casey rolled her eyes, "Everyone cries at weddings. Mom and George are so… <em>in love</em>." Her voice broke and she had to stop herself from returning her gaze back to her ongoing nightmare, she couldn't let Lizzie catch her looking at Derek.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah they are." Lizzie sighed dreamily before placing a comforting hand on her arm, "But it's more than that… you seem… sad." Lizzie pouted as she scrutinized her face, like <em>sad</em> didn't begin to cover it. "Why don't we go dance together?" She prodded compassionately, giving her arm a gentle tug.</p><p> </p><p>Casey shook her head, almost frantically. "N-no." She really wasn't in the mood to dance and have a good time. Not if she couldn't dance with him. She was so pathetic. "This dance is for couples…" She muttered.</p><p> </p><p>Realization dawned over Lizzie's face, and Casey's heart sank at the possibility that Lizzie could read her mind. But Lizzie didn't get it. "Don't worry. You'll find someone soon, I know it. You're smart, successful, and you're totally gorgeous. You're awesome! Any guy would be <em>lucky </em>to have you."</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks Liz." Casey smiled sadly. Her sister was a wonderful support. But she didn't want <em>someone</em>. She couldn't <em>have</em> <em>someone</em>. Not when she was in love with <em>him</em>.</p><p> </p><p><em>Someone </em>would always come second to <em>Derek.</em></p><p> </p><p>She had long given up the hope that she would find someone who could take her mind off of him. The last guy she dated <em>should</em> have been her dream guy, in theory, but she kept comparing him to Derek in every possible way. It was unfair. People deserved better than her - hopelessly, pathetically in love with her step brother, whom she could never have.</p><p> </p><p>In a sense, it was a relief that Lizzie couldn't figure it out. Her secret was safe. But bearing the burden alone… made her feel even more invisible.</p><p> </p><p>For once she wished she could tell someone the depths of her inner turmoil and have it be <em>seen</em>, and not shunned. The truth was too heavy on her chest.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't need a guy to dance." Lizzie insisted, "Come on, dance with me!"</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks Liz, but…" She sighed, "I can't. I think I need some air actually."</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The cold air outside on the balcony was soothing, and the music in the background was muffled. She could almost pretend like she wasn't there, she could almost forget him… which meant she was okay. Taking some deep breaths, she leaned against the railing and closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift away and think of anything other than <em>him</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Some time passed, she wasn't sure how much. She was content to stay out there for the rest of the night.</p><p> </p><p>The door behind her swung open and she looked back with wide eyes to see the devil himself. He strolled next to her unceremoniously, his eyes staring distantly out into the dark and the glittering lights of the city beyond.</p><p> </p><p>Heart pounding in her chest, she pressed her lips together to stop herself from talking to him - his lack of engagement would only disappoint her.</p><p> </p><p>He pulled out a cigarette and brought it to his lips, lighting it suavely with his flip lighter before taking a long drag. The scent filled Casey's lungs and she rolled her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>When he first started smoking, she scolded him every chance she got. He would banter back and sometimes fight with her for being on his case all the time; it was <em>his</em> life and he could make his own decisions.</p><p> </p><p>It had been a long time since she was able to scold him like that. Even though they had a completely different dynamic now, and she had no presence in his life whatsoever, she still gave a crap about him and his stupid lungs, so she had to say something.</p><p> </p><p>"You're still doing that?" She asked incredulously, "Those things will kill you, you know."</p><p> </p><p>He took another long inhale and shrugged.</p><p> </p><p>All she wanted was for him to push back, even a little.</p><p> </p><p>Normally she would take his dismissal with resignation, surviving off the crumbs he gave her. But not this time. She was too fed up with the whole situation. This time, she wasn't going to take it lying down. She was going to push his buttons and force him to push back.</p><p> </p><p>"Am I going to have to come over there and confiscate it from you?" She threatened playfully, raising a mischievous eyebrow at him, like it was the good old days, "It's for your own good, really."</p><p> </p><p>She saw a millisecond of hesitation as his muscles tensed, but then he was back to being neutral. He flicked some ash over the railing. "I'd rather you didn't." He mumbled simply, putting the cigarette back between his lips.</p><p> </p><p>She was determined to break him - catch a glimpse under the mask. If she had to open herself up to humiliation to do so, she would. She was no stranger to humiliation. Besides, there was nothing more humiliating than accepting his indifference without a fight.</p><p> </p><p>"Didn't you <em>hear</em> me?" She asked innocently, "It's for your <em>own good!</em>" With a sickening thrill in her gut, she reached out and snagged it between her fingers, dangerously close to touching his mouth in the process.</p><p> </p><p>She backed away, holding the lit cigarette into the air like she was prepared for him to lunge for it, a challenge in her eyes. A game of keep away was <em>just </em>what she needed.</p><p> </p><p>If cigarettes were his vice, <em>he</em> was hers.</p><p> </p><p>The shock that crossed his face, and the slight narrowing of his eyes set her heart on fire.</p><p> </p><p><em>Finally</em>, he was really looking at her. But of course, it only lasted a second.</p><p> </p><p>"Nice." He deadpanned.</p><p> </p><p>Bored, he took out another cigarette and lit it, angling himself away from her with an elbow propped up on the railing.</p><p> </p><p>Scoffing, Casey felt that twinge of heartbreak again, like she always did around him. But he almost <em>cracked!</em> She just needed to push him a <em>little</em> further.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, come on. I'm just looking out for my <em>brother</em>." She goaded. She hated the word brother in association with <em>him</em>, but she was hoping it would set him off. It seemed to have the desired effect; he froze, like a threatened animal trying not to move a muscle. "Are you saying…" She postulated dramatically behind his back, "That I could make any number of terrible decisions and you would have nothing to say about that?" She knew the answer, of course, but she was setting a trap, hoping to provoke him into showing her even the slightest bit of personal attention.</p><p> </p><p>He let out an incredulous chuckle, slumping over the railing in frustration, and something in her chest noticeably brightened. "Why should I care?" He asked passively, though not entirely unbothered.</p><p> </p><p>"So… I could just… shave my entire head right now and go streaking through the reception, and ruin the whole night?" She suggested.</p><p> </p><p><em>There</em>. She thought, hoping to take him off guard. <em>What do you have to say to that?!</em></p><p> </p><p>Derek laughed through his nose shortly, and it was like music to Casey's ears. The thrill inside her was building at his increasing agitation.</p><p> </p><p>"Go <em>wild</em>." He said, almost like a dare as he leaned on the railing, inspecting the smoldering tip of his cigarette like it held all the answers.</p><p> </p><p>Casey stood in stunned silence for a moment. It was the closest thing to banter she had gotten in a long time.</p><p> </p><p>She should have been doing this all along - challenging him, provoking him back into that intense space she loved so much. It had always felt dangerously close to flirting. She should have never accepted his indifference in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>In the beginning, when he started growing distant, she felt like she <em>had </em>to go along with it because she had always complained about his constant antagonism, so she couldn't complain that it was gone. That would have made her a hypocrite. So, she let it happen, like she was fine with it, like she was <em>happy </em>about it. People would point out how nice it was without all the fighting and she would agree.</p><p> </p><p>She was such a liar.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone assumed she was doing fine. She got hired at a great publishing company, right out of University, and she was in a seemingly happy relationship at the time.</p><p> </p><p>But in reality, she was lying awake at night, angry, crying and confused, with no one to turn to. She asked herself the same question so many times.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Why do I care so much?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, she was forced to come to the realization.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I am in love with Derek.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The second the thought latched onto her, it wouldn't let go, and it got stronger and stronger over the years, inviting new tidal waves of pain as she thought back to every shared moment, and as she looked forward into the abyss, she was consumed by the notion that she figured it out too late and she had already lost him.</p><p> </p><p>Not that she <em>ever</em> had a chance or anything. She never could have <em>acted </em>on those feelings, even if she <em>had</em> known they existed.</p><p> </p><p>And now, it felt like her whole life, her story, her <em>identity </em>revolved around <em>him</em> - how tragic and weak was <em>that</em>? What kind of woman was she - wasting her whole life on a <em>guy</em> who would never love her back?</p><p> </p><p>She was nobody. Nothing. He was her whole universe and she didn't exist to him, so she might as well be dust in the wind.</p><p> </p><p>Something scorched hot on her finger and pulled her from her thoughts - ashes from the still burning cigarette, reminding her that she was still there.</p><p> </p><p>Screw it. She could be a hypocrite. Maybe he would even call her out on it.</p><p> </p><p>"Perhaps I'll just take up <em>your</em> bad habit then." She sighed. Even though she had always insisted she would never try a cigarette - not even <em>once</em> - she sort of felt like she earned it. With so much heartbreak, she deserved an unhealthy coping mechanism or two. She brought the cigarette up to her mouth, butterflies in her stomach from the thought of putting her lips where his once were.</p><p> </p><p>She sucked in the hot smoke and it was as gross as she anticipated. But it also tasted good in a weird way - sexy, even. She imagined this was what <em>he</em> would taste like, if she kissed him right now. <em>That</em> was probably enough to get her addicted for <em>life</em>. It burned down her throat to her lungs and she coughed.</p><p> </p><p>Something flashed in Derek's eyes as he regarded her, and he stood up straight, his mouth forming a stark line. He didn't say anything as he watched her hack her lungs out.</p><p> </p><p>Licking her lips, Casey considered the taste again. She officially smoked. Worse, it was in a desperate attempt to gain his attention. Her addiction to him was so destructive.</p><p> </p><p>But she had to admit, the nicotine was taking the edge off already. That was fast. Everything between them was still painful, but it was more tolerable now, and she was more relaxed. With a slight shrug at his non-response, she brought the cigarette back to her lips, almost burnt to the filter.</p><p> </p><p>The smoke spread down to her lungs and out through her extremities, filling her with a dull sense of peace. She could see why people developed dependencies on cigarettes. As she exhaled, she felt herself growing bolder, less affected by her usual panic and despair when she was near him.</p><p> </p><p>All he did was stare at her, like stone, unmoving, almost like he was spitefully rubbing it in her face - like: “oh <em>look at me</em>, I'm <em>Derek</em>, and you don't affect me in the <em>least</em>! Look at how much I'm <em>not reacting</em>!”</p><p> </p><p>He was going to <em>pay</em> for that.</p><p> </p><p>She took another drag of whatever remained and stepped challengingly towards him, blowing the smoke directly into his face with a provoking attitude.</p><p> </p><p>Apparently he was holding his breath, and he blinked at her through the haze as it dissipated, expressionless aside from the determined tightness of his lips and a subtle flare of his nostrils.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you really not going to <em>say </em>anything?!" She barked up at him.</p><p> </p><p>For once she wanted him to explain himself. There had to be a <em>reason </em>he treated her like a piece of furniture, for <em>years</em>.</p><p> </p><p>There was no inciting incident as far as she could remember. It was like she was slowly being brought to boil over time, unaware of what was happening, and one day, she suddenly realized things were disastrously different.</p><p> </p><p>Derek's chest was rising and falling rapidly with his breath and he looked like he was about to run, or yell at her.</p><p> </p><p>How broken was she, that she hoped he would yell at her?</p><p> </p><p>Instead, he seemed to control his breathing back to normal. He dropped his cigarette to the ground and extinguished it under his shoe. Straightening his posture, he steeled himself, eyes almost glazing over.</p><p> </p><p>"Have a nice night, Casey." He said neutrally, his words empty, except for - maybe she was just imagining it - veiled resentment.</p><p> </p><p>What <em>possible</em> reason could he have to resent <em>her</em>?</p><p> </p><p><em>What</em> - was she existing too <em>loudly</em> for his liking now? Well, <em>too bad</em>!</p><p> </p><p>"Have a nice - ?!" She sputtered as he retreated casually back inside.</p><p> </p><p>That's <em>it?!</em></p><p> </p><p>After quickly stomping out the cigarette, she followed after him. "Hey!" She yelled, but he kept walking, completely ignoring her. "I'm talking to you, <em>asshole</em>!" This made him whip around to face her, "Yeah, <em>you</em>. At least I know you can still <em>hear </em>me. I'm not <em>done</em> with you yet!"</p><p> </p><p>His eyes darted around the room, almost fearfully; she was dangerously close to starting a scene. She stared him down, letting him know that she <em>would </em>cause a scene, if he didn't give in to her demands. She didn’t care about bringing things out into the open. She didn't care about people overhearing or even ruining the night for everyone. She didn't care anymore.</p><p> </p><p>She just. Didn't. Care.</p><p> </p><p>Jaw clenching, Derek stepped back to her and ushered her outside by the elbow, causing an excited whirlwind in her heart. She chuckled a little in triumph as his fingers on her skin all but burned with the intensity of being <em>touched</em> by him for the first time in years. The cold night air was especially crisp, she felt it when his fingers retreated and he crossed his arms over his chest.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>What</em>." He demanded as she smiled up at him wickedly, riding the high of <em>victory </em>for tearing down his walls, forcing him to acknowledge her existence.</p><p> </p><p>"I just want to know <em>why</em>." She said, dropping all pretense, the smug smile on her face persisting through the pain, proud of herself for actually confronting things for once. "If you tell me <em>why</em>, then I'll leave you alone forever." Maybe all she needed was closure, to finally get over him.</p><p> </p><p>If she couldn't have <em>him</em>, she at least needed <em>answers.</em></p><p> </p><p>She deserved some answers.</p><p> </p><p>Derek rocked back on his heels and threw his head back with a roll of his eyes. "Why <em>what</em>?" He sighed dramatically, as if she was completely crazy and spouting nonsense.</p><p> </p><p>"Der-ek!" Casey complained at his evasive attitude, literally putting her foot down in a petulant stomp. "You <em>know</em> what. You <em>have</em> to." She wanted things to go back to normal, and this was certainly reminiscent of one of their old fights. It was what she wanted. So why was it so <em>frustrating</em>? She couldn't win. "I want to know why you stopped talking to me. Why you stopped looking at me. You treat me like I'm invisible!"</p><p> </p><p>Derek shoved his hands in his pockets, his eyes scanning the sky and looking anywhere but at <em>her</em>, with his mouth stretched into a defensive smirk, "I have <em>no</em> idea what you're talking about." He sighed, so casually it made Casey want to pull her hair out.</p><p> </p><p>He was <em>not</em> going to make her feel crazy about this. He knew <em>exactly </em>what she was talking about! The fact he wouldn't even acknowledge what was happening was so cruel, it felt like she was being swept aside, <em>again</em>, and she just couldn't take it. Her eyes brimmed with angry tears.</p><p> </p><p>"Yes. You <em>do!" </em>She insisted through gritted teeth. "You don't even look at me, and when you do, it's like you're looking <em>right through me</em>." Her voice cracked and the tears started to fall, burning hot on her cheek in all their pain and fury. "It's so… <em>dehumanizing</em>!" God, she <em>hated </em>him. And she <em>loved </em>him. Why was he <em>doing </em>this to her?</p><p> </p><p>The cocky smile slipped from Derek's lips and he shut his eyes tightly, like he was refusing to look at the damage he was causing her. He even turned away slightly to hide his face. Was that <em>hurt</em> she saw?</p><p> </p><p>He was completely still except for his hand fiddling in his pocket. Why was he just <em>standing</em> there with his eyes shut like he was pretending this wasn't happening?!</p><p> </p><p>"Look at me!!!" She demanded, and when he didn't - or couldn't - it broke her a little further. "Oh my <em>God,</em> Derek." She laughed coldly at the absolute cruelty or cowardice in front of her very eyes, "When did you decide I wasn't even worth the energy to <em>hate </em>me, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>The tightness of his expression faltered, like he was shocked by what she said and he finally let himself look at her. As their eyes connected, she continued her tirade, all of the hurt and anger flowing out from her in a cathartic wave. "I swear it was like one day, you were going out of your way to talk to me and provoke me and get me in your sights and then the <em>next?</em> Out of <em>nowhere</em>, it's like I'm <em>dead </em>to you! So I want to know why! Why suddenly, without warning, did I stop existing to you?! Why can't you <em>see</em> me?!"</p><p> </p><p>"Out of nowhe - ?!" Derek shook his head abruptly, like he was baffled by what she was saying. It was a real, honest to god reaction. She blinked up at him, heart pounding at the notion of <em>maybe</em> catching a glimpse under the surface. "That's <em>not </em>what happe - " He shook his head again, almost like he was trying to dislodge a thought from his brain.</p><p> </p><p>Then, he chuckled darkly, shaking his head some more in disbelief. She could see that he was about to dismiss the topic and retreat again into his shell. She couldn't let him do that, not when he just started acknowledging it.</p><p> </p><p>"Then <em>what happened?</em>" She pried, "Tell me Derek! Because I don't understand!"</p><p> </p><p>He was pressing his lips together, like he was trying to keep himself from saying something. She had never seen him so full of nervous energy, shaking his head, hand fiddling in his pocket, eyes darting to the door.</p><p> </p><p>He was going to run.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Please</em>." She said, her hands automatically reaching out to his arms, hoping to keep him there just a little longer before he went back to his complete indifference. Was she seriously begging right now? She hated how much she needed this. "Please, Derek, it's driving me crazy, I need to know. When have I ever asked you for <em>anything</em>?" He was basically squirming under her touch, not looking at her face. Whatever was going on inside his head, she had to bring it out somehow. "Derek." She pleaded softly, urging him to open up.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he looked directly at her, and he stopped fiddling, eyes burning into hers, really <em>seeing </em>her. The intensity in which he searched her was almost unbearable, especially after such a long period of withdrawal. Air caught in her throat, like she forgot how to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>The door swung open, breaking their trance.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey guys." Edwin called.</p><p> </p><p>Casey retreated from Derek in shame from being interrupted in the middle of such an intense moment. That probably looked weird, with her clutching onto him as they looked deeply into each other's eyes. Hopefully Edwin didn't think too much of it. He seemed unphased, but <em>Derek</em>…</p><p> </p><p>The look on Derek's face punched a hole in her gut. It was hard to describe, but the closest word she could think of was <em>spite</em>, like he was angry with her for pulling away so suddenly. It made no sense. She wished she could ask him about it - not that he'd ever explain himself.</p><p> </p><p>"Uh, yeah?" She asked with a weak sniffle, hoping Edwin wouldn't question the tear stains on her cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>Edwin looked her up and down and then his eyes jumped between them. They all stood around awkwardly for a second before Edwin cleared his throat, "Uh… the showcase is about to start." He mumbled, scratching the back of his neck apologetically.</p><p> </p><p>Right. The showcase. How could she have forgotten? She had organized the entire thing, after all. All of the kids had prepared something to honor George and Nora. She had gotten so swept up by the <em>Derek</em> of it all, that the showcase completely slipped her mind. "Right." She sighed, "Of course, thank you." She peeked up at Derek. Their eyes only met for a second before he tore himself away from her and retreated inside hastily.</p><p> </p><p>She scoffed at his complete lack of manners.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't let him get to you." Edwin said casually, completely underestimating the difficulty of what he was suggesting. "He's just on edge tonight. Super nervous."</p><p> </p><p>"Nervous?" She asked curiously, eager for any insight into Derek's psyche.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah. Don't tell anyone…" Edwin murmured, stepping closer to her to share a secret, "But I caught him acting weird earlier and made him spill the beans…"</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Casey asked, her words drowned out by the anxious beating of her heart.</p><p> </p><p>"He's planning on proposing tonight."</p><p> </p><p>The floor dropped out from underneath her, and every cell in her body flooded with ice cold dread. She could hardly hear Edwin's excited whispering.</p><p> </p><p>"He's got the ring and everything, can you believe it? My bet is he will do it during the showcase. He <em>does</em> like to steal the show."</p><p> </p><p>"He's…" Casey trailed off, no longer in charge of the words coming out of her mouth, pulled automatically from her, like her brain was trying to piece this together.</p><p> </p><p>No, no, no, no, no! Derek couldn't be… <em>No…</em></p><p> </p><p>"Anyway, keep it on the D.L. I don't think Lexi knows, so it's gonna to be a total shock."</p><p> </p><p>"Total… shock."</p><p> </p><p>"You coming?" Edwin called, holding the door halfway open and beckoning her inside.</p><p> </p><p>Numbly, Casey nodded and made her way back into the reception. Conversations buzzed around her and she walked like a ghost, wiping the tear stains from her cheeks. She scanned the crowd and spotted Derek, back at his table, with Lexi combing her fingers through his hair comfortingly.</p><p> </p><p>Her feet found the steps up to the stage and she climbed them, her unfocused eyes watching her feet as they carried her to the microphone. She found her speaker's notes on the podium and took them into her trembling hands.</p><p> </p><p>Clearing her throat, she steadied herself at the microphone and looked over at the sound booth, the man sitting there gave her a thumbs up, which she barely registered before she spoke to the crowd. "Good evening everyone."</p><p> </p><p>All eyes landed on her. She kept her attention on the back wall, so she wouldn't be tempted to find him in the sea of faces.</p><p> </p><p>Looking back down at her cards, she took a calming breath. She could do this - she could get through this.</p><p> </p><p>"Good evening." She tried again, preparing herself for the incredible task of pretending like everything was okay, that her number one focus was on celebrating George and Nora's relationship, when truly she was falling apart piece by piece into a fine dust.</p><p> </p><p>The show must go on, and so did she.</p>
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